About a year a go I recorded myself saying “Vibrate!” very loudly into my cell phone so I could use it as a quasi-existential ringtone. In quiet situations, people would hear my obnoxious ring and ask me to set it to vibrate. Oh wait, it already is! Ha ha!

Okay, maybe it wasn’t that funny, but I noticed a story in the Associated Press the other day that led me to wonder how and why we personalize our PDA announcements, alarms, ringtones, etc. Take the hottest ringtone hitting the streets, elevators, and subways of Madrid, for example: ”Por que no te callas?” or “Why don’t you shut up?”

It’s quite an unremarkable yet popular audio file celebrating a recent snap from Spain’s King Juan Carlos at Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez during a heated exchange at a summit in Chile this month. Downloads from hip-hop artists and classic rockers I get, but a dis from a presidential summit?

The choice of ringtones is clearly no longer really to notify us of incoming calls. It’s rather an exhibitionist’s overt ploy to engage someone in discussion about them and their likes. For me it’s just a distraction and gives me way too much info about the person than I need, especially strangers. I don’t need to know you’re a Smashmouth fan or that you like Stewey Griffin if we are sitting side by side on the Metrobus, do I?

Granted, ringtones can be icebreakers, but you don’t have control over when they might go off. Remember, first impressions can be deal clenchers in business and social settings. You wouldn’t want the Bee Gees singing Staying Alive while at your uncle’s funeral, would you?

So maybe a simple bell evocative of age-old technology will safeguard one from embarrassing disclosures or inappropriate timing. The aural landscape is cluttered enough with the cacophony of our culture. Let’s head back to basics. Right, Watson?

PS: According to legend, before the bell, Alexander and friends first worked up a vibrating receiver for the fledgling phone. Put it on vibrate, and you’re truly old school.